Days are getting warmer.
Long, slow walks along the coastline.
Today a friend asked
"NYC. Out of all times, why now?"
I thought for a moment
and realized I've always had someone
that I was afraid to lose.
There was always a relationship
that was more important to me
than my freedom.
This special relationship was always
something I was afraid to leave unguarded
and willing to compromise life for.





Now was the first time
that I had decided to not hold on,
be attatched to or fear the loss of anybody
no matter how much I loved them.
And I do have love in my life. My heart is warm.
But I am watching myself carefully
to not develop ownership issues and co-dependence.
I decided a few years ago
to see if I could break a vicious spell
and disconnect my love and appreciation
from attatchment, jealousy and fear of loss.
Sofar I've managed to experience love and beauty
without developing the need for someone to be "mine."
I thougth this was going to make me lonely.
But the immediate, somewhat unexpected effect
was an immense sense of freedom
and the possibility to travel.



At times I wonder if maybe this choice to be unattatched
simply comes from a fear of getting hurt.
But I feel as if I am confronting an even greater fear
when allowing myself to love someone without restraining them.
In my current stand for freedom
I don't feel like I have given in to my fears
but rather as if I openly challenge them.