Tonight I had my first social evening since getting here.
A friend of mine celebrated her birthday
in a beautiful restaurant uptown.
Among her friends was the striking woman
who's company had designed the interior.
And another friend of hers
was a professional Dating Consultant.
He was there with his dearly beloved.
I found his line of work fascinating.
After the evening had passed
he turned to me with fiery eyes and said
"Now that I've got a little background on you,
do you want to know what you are?"





Although I hadn't hidden anything
I also knew I hadn't said much
and was somewhat surprised
if he would have read me as an open book.
He gave me the diagnose
"Polar Opposing Insecurity Compensation"
Interesting, I said. And what is that?
He said
"You've come to realize you got a gift.
At the same time this gift of yours
prevents you from feeling loved
for who you really are.
So now you try to be a nobody."



I was thrilled.
It was an appealing idea to have my condition
named and explained so easily.
I tasted it carefully, repeating it to myself.
"Polar Opposing Insecurity Compensation."
He smiled and continued.
"So... You got this thing wich makes you special.
Like we all do, really. Only it makes you also feel
cut off and separate.
You're on plus,
but instead you stretch for the minus.
And once you're on the minus, that don't feel right either
coz there you diminish yourself.
Truth is you're neither of them.
But somewhere in between."






On my way home I thought
"Strange.
And I who've always feared
that I am a nobody trying to come off as a somebody."
At first I thought this meant he was perhaps wrong about me.
Only to realize that this was just the other side
of the very same spectrum.
The opposing pole.

But before going to sleep
I finally settled in the middle,
remembering what I knew to be my own truth:
I AM really nobody.
My true nature is beyond the personal.
The ego is illusory,
a mirage arising from mere point of view.
I am not trying to diminish myself.
I simply do my best
to remain in touch with the fact
that I don't exist.